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New Coffeesh0p Logo

Synchronium — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 19:48:37 +0000

While this blog might be getting nice new design in the next few days, Coffeesh0p is being completely overhauled with a tonne of new features, as awesome as they are numerous. I’ll have to detail them all at some point, whether here or on a news post on the site itself, but for now click this link for a little preview of the new logo (Warning: interactively funky):

–> Coffeesh0p’s New Logo <–

Please leave any feedback in the comments below.

Post from: Synchronium

New Coffeesh0p Logo

A Kick Up The Arse

Synchronium — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 12:17:05 +0000

Right. This blog, and myself, need a kick up the arse. The best way for that to happen is for me to give it a bit of a facelift, as now it looks like a faded book that’s sat on the shelf in direct sunlight for a few years.

The problem is, I’m crap at designing stuff. I love the thought of designing, but I always end up combining every single style I think looks good into some big casserole of a layout. So to force myself to not do that, I need a bit of help from you.

If you could please leave a comment with two or three words to describe the blog, that would be awesome. As I have no idea how other people perceive this site, I think finding out would be a useful first step, then I can work on designing something around a couple of those themes.

So, if you wouldn’t mind…

Post from: Synchronium

A Kick Up The Arse

Intermission

Synchronium — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 20:43:43 +0000

Sorry about the lack of activity. We’ve been dead busy since the new year — Coffeesh0p’s had more orders for legal highs and such so far this year than for all of 2008, and I’ve been optimising like a bastard, among other things.

Hopefully, I’ll write something soon about what I’ve been up to when I’ve the time, but for now, here’s some music while you wait:

Post from: Synchronium

Intermission

Our Thoughts on New Year's Eve

Synchronium — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 21:58:45 +0000

Fuck Going Out

Seriously. Going out for New Year’s Eve is our idea of hell. Don’t get me wrong, we’re not a pair of miserable bastards who hate fun — in fact, here’s an old rave photo to prove it:

While I might look unintentionally serious as shit in the above picture, I can assure you, we were having a brilliant time.

So, why is going out on NYE a terrible idea? Well…

Everyone goes out

More people out means you’ve got less personal space, so less room to dance or sit, and more person/person collisions of every magnitude — whether that be an accidental elbow to the ribs or some wazzock spilling your pint, more people in one location will always lead to more than the usual amount of violence. Massive gangs of people seem to think their shared invincibility is exponentially proportional to the size of their group, which inevitably ends up with more dickish behaviour in general.

More people also means more competition for both the bar and in summoning appropriate transport for the journey home. Both of those situations also bring to mind my next point…

Everything Costs A Fortune

£79.95 for a pint and 4x the usual taxi price (the latter isn’t an exaggeration) coupled with the terrible “consumer experience” I just mentioned automatically make me resent the entire night. This is coming from someone who’s routinely paid £2.50 for a bottle of water without complaining because it didn’t take him fucking for-ever to get served.

Everyone MUST get as drunk as possible

Apparently, if your liver doesn’t explode from acute alcohol poisoning or you can’t ignite your breath, then it’s not a good night out. For a minority of drinkers, that applies to every Saturday night, but that school of thought becomes all the more inclusive in the context of New Year’s Eve. As we all already know, this leads to more violence & aggression, dangerous driving and both the average size and frequency of sick splatters that adorn the pavements. Oh, and the toilets… my god, the toilets. Anyway, moving on…

Pressure to have the BEST time

“The turning of the stars bring a time when my secrets can give you immortality. But when that time has passed, those fleeting minutes gone, the secret is worthless, until once again the stars unlock its power.”

- Kallikrates / DJ Fresh

During a single orbit of Neptune around our own star, we get to celebrate NYE less than 165 times. As such, it’s imperative that the night be TOTALLY AWESOME!!!1eleven!! because its ages ’til the next one. A tall order for any other night, but when you’re already having to compensate for the increased dickhead population, time-to-service at the bar and the king’s ransom you’re expected to fork over per drink, it’s no wonder everyone has such a short fuse. This might manifest itself as violence, streams of tears & mascara or anything in between.

No pressure on the venue

Venues can get away with murder on NYE. They just have to book some alright DJs before they inevitably sell out. Why book the best of the best when you’ll get literally zero more people attending? That extra cash saved can be put towards booking someone big to draw a bigger crowd on any other night.

It's cold

Jesus Christ, is it cold. I have a beard and tend to wear jeans on a night out and I think it’s cold. A typical girl out on Birmingham’s Broad Street, however, somehow continues to survive wearing much, much less — I’d be cold on a breezy summer’s afternoon wearing the kind of thing they obviously find acceptable. The smoking ban also means that your venue of choice will probably have some doors permanently ajar, as though the doorway itself were designed as the most efficient way to transfer thermal energy out of the building.

…so that’s why we stayed in.

Post from: Synchronium

Our Thoughts on New Year’s Eve

Merry Christmas

Synchronium — Sat, 25 Dec 2010 10:59:06 +0000

Post from: Synchronium

Merry Christmas

Nov 2010: What I've Been Up To

Synchronium — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 19:13:59 +0000

Thought I’d write a quick update about what I’ve been up to recently.

Accounting

So it turns out the best thing about running your own proper business is not only do you have to shell out shitloads for an accountant, but your workload also increases by loads with all the day to day bookkeeping! Ugh. Not only am I now busier than ever, but my work enjoyment density, or average enjoyment per arbitrary amount of work I have to do, has declined. And! This month is when our first year’s accounts have to be completed, as we’ve been a limited company since last October.

(The one benefit to running a limited company is that I have a “company seal” — a little rubber squeezy stamp type thing that imprints “John & Jo’s Coffeesh0p Limited” in any piece of paper that’s had the misfortune to cross my path. Fuck knows what it’s actually for, but it does offer some small comfort at least.)

So today, I’ve been hacking together various scripts and queries to try and automate the drudgery somewhat.

: Stock photo of some accountants.
Their apparent dynamism & relaxed attitude are but a thin veneer disguising unparalleled boredom, resentment for their boss, colleagues & clients alike, and a cold, black, lonely heart.

Amsterdam

I mentioned it on Twitter, but we went to Amsterdam a couple of weeks ago. I suppose that’s another perk, since the business kindly agreed to pay for it. Hopefully, the Mrs will write up at least some of the trip eventually, but she’s busier than me! I’ll also talk about a related competition-type thing soon…

Anyway, as you’d expect, going away for a week results in mountains and mountains of…

Emails

So many emails! I’m still catching up on the work-related ones, and I haven’t had time to reply to anyone that’s emailed me here for literally months. Really sorry if you’ve been in touch and I’ve not had the chance to reply yet. Unless you’ve sent me some kind of hate mail. Then I’m not sorry in the slightest!

Bagging Stuff

The problem with selling more and more stuff is that more and more stuff needs packaging, which often means my fingers are raw from labelling up bags or I’m elbow-deep in kilogram sacks of miscellaneous entheogen; tissue rammed up my nose as a pre-emptive strike against the inevitable green snot or uncontrollable sneezing. On the upside, we’ve recently had our first few wholesale orders of Meen Green, which is doing way better than we ever could have expected.

New Products

Not only have I got a boxful of products not yet on Coffeesh0p, but we’re also just about to release a new solid, crumbly incense. It’s seriously amazing, and it’s good to go, I just haven’t had enough time in the day to finally get it on the site!

The thing with new products is, it’s not just uploading data from the supplier into a database; it’s quite a bit more effort. There’s the usual stuff like pricing and other boring data like what category they’ll reside in, where abouts in the category they should go or what other products to recommend, but the biggest tasks are writing descriptions that are both interesting and, most importantly, honest, without straying into hyped-up marketing bullshit talk, and sorting out the images. I’ve seen loads of sites in this industry just robbing crappy lo-res pics off other competing sites, or using the same stock photo from the supplier as everyone else, but where’s the fun in that?! To get a decent pic up along side the product description, the first step is trying to take a decent photo of it. This usually involves me running madly between rooms on a quest to achieve the perfect lighting (impossible in this house), commandeering the tiny bathroom mirror to capture the maximum amount of photons, laying down sheets of white paper to make a plain background and fudging together little supports to keep it in all place. When I’ve finally taken a half decent picture, then I have to photoshop the crap out of it.

Before your feathers get all ruffled and you start declaring shenanigans, my goal is to make the digital image actually look like the product in real life. That’s it. I don’t have a proper studio or mega expensive camera — as I said, I take all the product pictures round the house, using printer paper for a backdrop in dim light. Most pictures start out looking dull, covered in a murky orange haze, so I mainly tinker with the levels, contrast, saturation — that sort of thing — and then try and cut out the background so it’s completely white. For products with actual packaging, I might straighten them up, as if I’d taken the picture precisely above it, or I might get rid of the natural, terrible shadow and replace it with something slightly more uniform. I also like having a couple of images for each product, so that process needs repeating for each image, then, finally, I need to cut out a suitable thumbnail to display on category pages and search results.

I might actually write a full post about doing product pics, like a step by step guide, so you can see the improvements and how little mischief I’m really up to. Which brings me to my final point…

Blogging

My last post already talked about all the behind-the-scenes stuff I’ve been up to, but I’ve also got a few half finished posts I’ve been meaning to get done, as well as ideas for a million more.

So, yeah, don’t start to think I’ve lost interest, or can’t be arsed replying to you. We’re both in this for the long haul!

Post from: Synchronium

Nov 2010: What I’ve Been Up To

A Change Of Pace

Synchronium — Sat, 06 Nov 2010 16:46:52 +0000

Or rather a change of pace, a change of content and a change of design.

So far, I’ve mainly written articles with the primary intention of presenting “the facts”, even if you do have to distil them from the murky casserole of terrible jokes, swearing and catpix. These kinds of posts might be about a pharmacological process, a recipe, tek, or perhaps an update on a news story or developing situation, and I’ve tried to write something about once every week or two. The problem is, these kind of posts usually require all sorts of crazy shit like “forethought” and “reading stuff”. It’s not that I’m incapable of such bizarre activities, it’s just that I’ve often got more to say than the time it would take to say it properly. I’ve always felt it necessary to try and cover as much of a topic as I can, while trying to present it nicely as possible, but that level of effort means I can only be arsed only have the time to write articles like that sporadically. As a result, I’ve ended up not bothering to write about a number of interesting topics that perhaps weren’t that big of a deal because there’s not enough time in the day to cover them all “properly”. So, I quit.

Hah. Only joking.

I’m going to try blogging a bit more casually instead. The plan is to write shorter posts, perhaps not going into all the details, or considering all eventualities, or whatever. I might be more likely to just quote the odd article, for instance, or maybe just write down my opinions on something. The upshot is I’m hoping to post more frequently about a broader range of subjects, so everyone’s a winner! That is, unless you hate what I have to say, in which case, why haven’t you fucked off yet?

I’m not giving up writing longer posts altogether though. Far from it! In fact, writing more posts in general will probably encourage me, and I’ve had a few topics in mind for ages.

The next thing I’m changing is the blog’s design.

Probably something like this?

No, nothing that amazing, don’t panic, just a few tweaks here ‘n’ there to find what works best for the largest amount of people. And I’m going to do it with science!

For a while now, I’ve been thinking how long the blog takes to load, especially the front page, and especially for new users with an empty cache. Shaving off a second or two doesn’t sound like a big deal, but you’d be surprised on how much of an impact the speed of a website can have, but it affects almost everything, such as how long people stay on the site, how many pages they view in that visit, how likely it is they’ll pass your link around, how likely it is they’ll buy something and how much they’ll spend (for ecommerce sites) and potentially where the site will rank in Google.

Pages Per Visit vs Page Speed

Have a look at some more graphs ‘n’ charts to see just how much those few seconds matter.

I’ve already gone through the entire blog and compressed the fuck out of every single image, shaving off an entire megabyte in total, but only a fraction of those images are on the front page. Luckily, there’s a few things I can do that will specifically affect the front page:

Display less posts
Display only the first bit of posts (with a “Read More” link to the rest)
Don’t display as many images
Write shorter posts

That last one I’ve already covered, so what about the first three design-related options? Obviously, they’d all reduce load time, and, if I went as far as displaying only the one post’s headline and first three letters with zero images, load time would be minimal, but then no one would stick around anyway. A site needs to be fast, but it still needs some content to keep people engaged.

To find the most effective trade-off, I’ve set up a little experiment… In the marketing biz, it’s called a split test, and it works something like this:

You create several different versions of something — it could be an entirely different page layout or design, or it could be as simple as placing a little button in different places on the same page — and then you randomly assign each visitor to one particular variation (making sure they always see the same variation on subsequent visits). Then you just sit back and watch the data pour in.

After a while, you can then start to compare how each group of visitors behave. Version #3 might keep people on the site for twice as long, but version #2 might see people return thrice as often. When enough data has been collected, hopefully a victor will emerge.

Yesterday, I created six versions of the front page and got the experiment under way. Here are the details:

V1	10 full posts are displayed — this is how it’s been for everyone up to now, so this is the control
V2	8 full posts
V3	6 full posts
V4	Latest two posts displayed in full, next two are max 1300 characters, next two are max 800, rest are 500 max — 15 posts in total
V5	Same as above, but 20 posts (so more of the 500 character excerpts at the bottom)
V6	20 posts again, but only first post in full, next two 1300 characters max, next five 800 max, rest 500 max

Anything that’s not a full post won’t have any images in it either, and older pages (there’s a link to older posts at the bottom of the front page) will display the same as the last post on the front page, so older pages of V1-3 will be exactly the same as the front page, while older pages of V4-V6 will have 15 or 20 posts of 500 character excerpts with no images. Also, the excerpt length is approx, and will (hopefully) round off to the nearest whole word.

When it’s clear that one has performed better than the other, I’ll stop the experiment and implement the winning version for all users. Then I’ll probably test something else. Of course, there’s no guarantee one of them will perform any better, in which case, I’ll pick the one I like best. Whatever happens, I’ll let you know, probably via some off-the-cuff scribble of a post.

… Which is what I was hoping this post would be, but it looks like I’ve ended up writing loads again.

Post from: Synchronium

A Change Of Pace

Ben Goldacre, The Mrs & I

Synchronium — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 17:47:35 +0000

I’ve almost finished a blog post about everyone’s favourite topic, The Bachelorette, but in the mean time, here’s a picture of us two and Ben Goldacre:

This was taken just after his lecture in Birmingham for the British Science Festival a few weeks ago. For those of you who don’t know who he is, Ben Goldacre is a doctor, writes the Bad Science column in The Guardian every Saturday, runs a blog & forums at BadScience.net and has also released the amazingly unputdownable book …Bad Science.

In my list of 5 Books To Expand Your Mind, this is what I had to say about Bad Science:

Bad Science is your defence against a world of horse crap where everyone is trying to rip you off.
What it’s about: Confused about MMR jabs? Homoeopathy? Crystal healing? Fish oil? Then read this book.
Why it will expand your mind: You’ll learn the simplicity of the scientific method and why it’s so important to the world we live in. It will teach you to think for yourself and apply a healthy dose of scepticism to the next dose of health advice you might hear about from someone trying to sell you something. Not particularly mind expanding on its own, but it has a synergy with all the other books in this list.

There’s also a chapter from the book elsewhere on the blog: The Doctor Will Sue You Now.

The lecture itself was on “Drug Company Bullshit”, describing the various tricks big pharmaceutical companies perform in order to make their results look good, massage bad results or make them disappear entirely. Quite a dry, technical talk really, but what else should two troublemakers like us be doing on a Friday night in Birmingham?

Since science is obviously really important, if you’ve got a minute, please consider signing this petition trying to stop cuts in vital science funding.

Oh, and for anyone wondering about my awesome T-shirt, it has this to say:

Post from: Synchronium

Ben Goldacre, The Mrs & I

Puffin on some Herb

Synchronium — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 21:46:58 +0000

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Post from: Synchronium

Puffin on some Herb

Our Honeymoon

Mrs_Synch — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 19:50:33 +0000

The last four weeks have whizzed by in a blur of washing, catching up on Coffeesh0p and yet more wedding parties (you can never have enough!) but I’ve finally found time to sit down and write about our honeymoon. Now I just have to hope that some of you out there are still interested and that I can remember anything about it!

We went to Bayahibe, a pretty touristy resort on the south east coast of the Dominican Republic. Our hotel was frickin’ sweet, 5* all inclusive and right on the beach, with only one more hotel along the coastline between us and the completely uninhabited south east tip of the island, which is a huge nature reserve.

Just off this coast is the island of Saona, and our visit to there was quite possibly the best day of our lives and the highlight of the holiday. We had heard that the reefs there were the second best in the world (after the Great Barrier reef) so we just had to check it out and we certainly weren’t disappointed. The trip itself was brilliant, the staff were fantastic and we downed rum after rum on the boat while listening to (would you believe it?) the Trentmøller remix of Go by Moby — one of our favourite tracks. John had a good old boogie on the boat before realising he was being filmed and promptly stopping, but we bought a DVD of the trip so it’s now immortalised on film forever, no doubt to resurface for embarrassment purposes at some future birthday party or to show to the kids to prove we were young and cool once. We saw eagle rays and moray eels and other, much prettier sea creatures like enormous starfish, angel fish and sea urchins.

The Wildlife

Lunch was on the breathtaking Saona Island — filming location of the iconic Bounty ads — and was delicious, ate overlooking the Caribbean Sea and covered in butterflies! The afternoon was spent in the amazing ‘natural swimming pool’ — a football pitch sized patch of shallow water, far out from the coast. Ironically, being miles from anywhere, this was probably the busiest place we went during the entire honeymoon! The water was clear and beautiful, about chest height (on me, but I’m a short arse) and the bottom was covered in huge, hard starfish — not like the crap squidgy ones we get in this country. Here, the staff on the boat turned the music up loud and we drank rum and coke and ate fresh coconuts that had been picked on Saona Island earlier. It’s safe to say it couldn’t have got much more Caribbean than that! Later on in this trip we’d break our camera, get incredibly pissed and emotional and a little bit sunburnt, and when we got home I spent an hour sobbing and exclaiming ‘that was the best day of my life!’…but the less said about that part, the better.

Saona Island

There was also some amazing sights to be seen in the sea just off the hotel’s beach — we saw a sting ray about 6 foot out from the beach, followed it round for a bit and made a large and rather obnoxious British family shit their pants and drag their kids back on to dry land when their nosiness got the better of them and they asked what we were looking at. Another amazing experience was feeding the fish just off the beach — turns out they eat bread (who knew?) and wading into the water with a roll or two causes hundreds of beautiful fish to swarm around you, jumping out of the water and stuff, it was absolutely incredible and we even borrowed snorkels so we could get underwater and in on the action.

Another awesome trip was to the capital city, Santo Domingo. We had the most fantastic tour guide called José who referred to his wife as ‘Fidellia Castro’ the entire day and talked about how wives were the bosses of the households in the Dominican Republic just like everywhere else in the world — all in the most good humoured and loving way possible of course! We were embarrassingly clueless about the place before we went on this trip, so here’s the history lesson: Santo Domingo was founded in 1496 by Bartholomew Columbus and was the first place to be settled in the Americas. It boasts the first cathedral, chapel, hotel and just about everything in the New World. The Catedral Santa María La Menor, for example, is older than ANYTHING in the USA. The city’s modern history has been pretty turbulent, and it even had a different name from 1930–61 — “Ciudad Trujillo”, after the country’s dictator. He was eventually assassinated, but not before much bloodshed and 30 years of an oppressive and unpopular regime. To put this guy in a bit of context, there were extravagant gifts in the old mausoleum that had been sent to Trujillo from Hitler and Mussolini…so not a nice dude. That this period is still in living memory seems obvious, as does the rest of their history with links to Christopher Columbus, the slave trade and so on. In our experience, Dominicans are SUPER proud of their country, their heritage and their past, warts and all. It’s a very refreshing attitude and we enjoyed finding out all about it in an open and matter-of-fact way. The ancestors of a lot of the population, for example, arrived as slaves — and whilst we all know that this was a terrible time in history and many abhorrent acts were carried out towards these people, that is how they ended up there and that’s that. That something isn’t pleasant doesn’t make it any less true, and I really liked that quality that we found in so many of the people there. They were also very patriotic but not in the mental, nationalistic way you seem to get in the US and UK — they said things like ‘my capital city’ even if they didn’t live there, and thanked tourists for visiting ‘my beautiful country’. Overall, people were incredibly friendly and welcoming, and often even seemed grateful to the tourists for even going there in the first place. But then, it’s not long ago that Dominican Republic was a third world country, and thanks to the recent earthquake we’ve all seen on the news that it’s neighbour, Haiti, most definitely still is. Tourism has transformed the country and they seem thankful and proud to show it off — as well they should, because it’s so beautiful. It has the typical breathtaking Caribbean beaches as well as jungles, rainforests, coral reefs, bustling cities and Western style shopping precincts for the rich and famous — a bit of everything. I really don’t know why it’s not as popular as some of the other Caribbean Islands which, as far as I can tell, tend to be less diverse in their ecosystems and landscapes.

As well as the cathedral, we visited numerous significant buildings and places, including the first road to be built in the New World, the palace of Christopher Columbus’s son, Diego, and some stunning caves known as ‘the three eyes’ which featured beautiful, turquoise underground lakes (unfortunately this was post-camera-breakage so we don’t have any good photos of these. Boo!) We also bought the tiniest, most expensive piece of rock ever but it was totally worth it — a teardrop shaped chunk of amber (a Dominican specialty) with a 60 million year old bug in it. It set us back nearly £300 but still, there can’t be that many 60 million year old bugs floating around. Other purchases worth noting are of course the ubiquitous rum and cigars, which were so frickin’ cheap we ended up buying about double our customs limit and having to squeeze it all in our cases for the journey back. We had no trouble there, thank goodness, although we did see an hilarious stereotypical indignant American couple arguing with customs. They appeared to be the only people in the whole world who haven’t heard of the ‘no liquid in your hand luggage’ thing and loudly failed to grasp why their litres and litres of rum were being thrown away. Just as an indication of price, some pretty awesome 40-odd % rum was around £5 for a 70cl bottle — bargain! We drank plenty while we were there and also discovered some crazy Dominican aphrodisiac called Mamajuana, which John has since christened as ‘rum-hypnol’ (not because of anything rude, you filthy buggers…but because the only time I drank some was when I was already horribly drunk and I basically lost around 3 hours then passed out. The next day I actually thought I was dying of some tropical disease because the hangover was so bad). Basically mamajuana seems to be a mixture of herbs which are soaked in red wine, then honey and rum, then drained — this leaves you with the sex rum which you then drink. Or something like that. It’s delicious so keep your eyes peeled on Coffeesh0p as we’re hoping to source some of the herbs from somewhere at some point soon as no one sells them in the UK at the moment. Oh and John bought a SINGLE cigar for £20. That had better be one awesome cigar.

Last but not least, our other trip worth mentioning was to go and swim with dolphins! The place itself was a complete rip off and the staff were the most miserable shits we had ever come across — but once we were in the water with the dolphins those feelings just evaporated and it really was all the clichés you can imagine. We’ve never been that interested — as in, we’re not one of the many people to whom swimming with dolphins is the absolute pinnacle of being — so more than anything we got the opportunity to do it and we just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. And would you believe it, Mr and Mrs cynic here just totally “got it”. It was incredible, and I’m now totally a dolphin convert. Do it if you ever get the chance.

Other than that, we spent a fortnight lazing on the beach, drinking so much rum it’s a wonder we’re still alive, eating amazing food, swimming every day in the sea and the huge pool (which happened to have a bar in it), and generally just relaxing. It was the most fantastic two weeks we could have hoped for (apart from the bastard camera breaking) and we’re incredibly glad that our ‘ah, fuck it, it’s our honeymoon’ attitude won out over our tight-fisted, sensible attitude. After all, it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity…although having said that, you are all heartily encouraged to buy plenty from us in order to help us afford to go again

Post from: Synchronium

Our Honeymoon

Synchronium » Synchronium

New Coffeesh0p Logo

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A Kick Up The Arse

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Intermission

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Our Thoughts on New Year's Eve

Fuck Going Out

Everyone goes out

Everything Costs A Fortune

Everyone MUST get as drunk as possible

Pressure to have the BEST time

No pressure on the venue

It's cold

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Merry Christmas

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Nov 2010: What I've Been Up To

Accounting

Amsterdam

Emails

Bagging Stuff

New Products

Blogging

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A Change Of Pace

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Ben Goldacre, The Mrs & I

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Puffin on some Herb

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Our Honeymoon

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