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Our Thoughts on New Year’s Eve

By John Clarke

Fuck Going Out

Seriously. Going out for New Year’s Eve is our idea of hell. Don’t get me wrong, we’re not a pair of miserable bastards who hate fun – in fact, here’s an old rave photo to prove it:

While I might look unintentionally serious as shit in the above picture, I can assure you, we were having a brilliant time.

So, why is going out on NYE a terrible idea? Well…

Everyone goes out

More people out means you’ve got less personal space, so less room to dance or sit, and more person/person collisions of every magnitude – whether that be an accidental elbow to the ribs or some wazzock spilling your pint, more people in one location will always lead to more than the usual amount of violence. Massive gangs of people seem to think their shared invincibility is exponentially proportional to the size of their group, which inevitably ends up with more dickish behaviour in general.

More people also means more competition for both the bar and in summoning appropriate transport for the journey home. Both of those situations also bring to mind my next point…

Everything Costs A Fortune

£79.95 for a pint and 4x the usual taxi price (the latter isn’t an exaggeration) coupled with the terrible “consumer experience” I just mentioned automatically make me resent the entire night. This is coming from someone who’s routinely paid £2.50 for a bottle of water without complaining because it didn’t take him fucking for-ever to get served.

Everyone MUST get as drunk as possible

Apparently, if your liver doesn’t explode from acute alcohol poisoning or you can’t ignite your breath, then it’s not a good night out. For a minority of drinkers, that applies to every Saturday night, but that school of thought becomes all the more inclusive in the context of New Year’s Eve. As we all already know, this leads to more violence & aggression, dangerous driving and both the average size and frequency of sick splatters that adorn the pavements. Oh, and the toilets… my god, the toilets. Anyway, moving on…

Pressure to have the BEST time

“The turning of the stars bring a time when my secrets can give you immortality. But when that time has passed, those fleeting minutes gone, the secret is worthless, until once again the stars unlock its power.”

– Kallikrates / DJ Fresh

During a single orbit of Neptune around our own star, we get to celebrate NYE less than 165 times. As such, it’s imperative that the night be TOTALLY AWESOME!!!1eleven!! because its ages ’til the next one. A tall order for any other night, but when you’re already having to compensate for the increased dickhead population, time-to-service at the bar and the king’s ransom you’re expected to fork over per drink, it’s no wonder everyone has such a short fuse. This might manifest itself as violence, streams of tears & mascara or anything in between.

No pressure on the venue

Venues can get away with murder on NYE. They just have to book some alright DJs before they inevitably sell out. Why book the best of the best when you’ll get literally zero more people attending? That extra cash saved can be put towards booking someone big to draw a bigger crowd on any other night.

It’s cold

Jesus Christ, is it cold. I have a beard and tend to wear jeans on a night out and I think it’s cold. A typical girl out on Birmingham’s Broad Street, however, somehow continues to survive wearing much, much less – I’d be cold on a breezy summer’s afternoon wearing the kind of thing they obviously find acceptable. The smoking ban also means that your venue of choice will probably have some doors permanently ajar, as though the doorway itself were designed as the most efficient way to transfer thermal energy out of the building.

…so that’s why we stayed in..

6 Responses to Our Thoughts on New Year’s Eve

  1. James says:

    No need to stay in alone, NYE is an excellent night to have a few friends round, see in the new year in comfort and still have fun.

  2. Tim says:

    God i have had some awful NYE experiences when i used to go raving. We hyped the night up and you end up spending loads and loads !!
    I once spent £70 on the taxi alone and nearly died as the taxi driver thought he was Nigel Mansell.
    staying in is the new going out apparently.
    Happy new year to you and your Wife

  3. JSOTS says:

    MY New Year’s eve was spent in a cold maximum security dorm room with 17 felons incarcerated for sexual assault crimes from 10PM-6AM. And hmmm… so was my Thanksgiving and Christmas evening/morning! That’s because I’m of the shitty pattern I’m on. It was a dandy evening, all of them… with different co-workers and either the A or B side of juvenile offenders who were NOT generally happy to be locked up on any of those days. Some drama, as expected, but nothing too out of hand.

    Nor were the staff happy, in general, but ohhh, well. The Holidays come and go and I’d most rather see them past and done with. Working graveyards puts one in a warpyzone schedule that doen’t have much in comparison with a Real Life, ha ha.

    More posts to follow — I’ve been having WAY too much for fun and prophet lately and got beguiling stories to share — and HEY!! Glad to be Back In The Saddle, pardner.

    Got a stencil made up for a NEW TATTOO to be put atop the SYNCHRONIUM.NET tattoo I put on my leg. Irene drew it and I think it’s ahhhh… I’ll keep y’all posted (hint: It’s Too Funny) and get pics up hopefully within the next 3 days I’ve got away from The SlavePit, starting as of today.

    And Twitter ON, folks!!!! Gotta love what you do. I’m ready to follow… yeeehaw.

  4. JSOTS says:

    Got the new picture of the official (well, in my mind — and flesh, anyway) mascot of the site posted on the Guest/LogBook of my site… and left a link for this site, too.

    For those who may not remember, I tattooed “SYNCHRONIUM.NET” on my leg ‘cuz I LIKE THIS SITE and the people here. The tattoo my wife and I did right above it last night isn’t finished, YET — I plan to add a rainbow around the head to link the two tattoos together.

    Gotta see it to believe it. World’s ugliest tattoo? YOU DECIDE.

  5. Rowan Jones says:

    I just stayed in with a few mates and had a smoke. Much more enjoyable than going out and drinking.

  6. JSOTS says:

    Cold is NOT fun in Texas, especially when we consider the mid-90F’s a “nice day” out here. So we going ahhhh… a wee bit DAFT? Or is it just Cabin Fever??

    I just posted a pic of the new tattoo done atop the SYNCHRONIUM tattoo done some time ago on my @tattoofolk twitter account ~~ y’all take a look at it, eh? It’s something that Dear Wife Irene drew up. It’s pretty weird. I like it.

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