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Our Thoughts on New Year's Eve

By John Clarke

Fuck Going Out

Ser­i­ously. Going out for New Year’s Eve is our idea of hell. Don’t get me wrong, we’re not a pair of miser­able bas­tards who hate fun — in fact, here’s an old rave photo to prove it:

While I might look unin­ten­tion­ally serious as shit in the above picture, I can assure you, we were having a bril­liant time.

So, why is going out on NYE a ter­rible idea? Well…

Everyone goes out

More people out means you’ve got less per­sonal space, so less room to dance or sit, and more person/​person col­li­sions of every mag­nitude — whether that be an acci­dental elbow to the ribs or some wazzock spill­ing your pint, more people in one loc­a­tion will always lead to more than the usual amount of viol­ence. Massive gangs of people seem to think their shared invin­cib­il­ity is expo­nen­tially pro­por­tional to the size of their group, which inev­it­ably ends up with more dickish beha­viour in general.

More people also means more com­pet­i­tion for both the bar and in sum­mon­ing appro­pri­ate trans­port for the journey home. Both of those situ­ations also bring to mind my next point…

Everything Costs A Fortune

£79.95 for a pint and 4x the usual taxi price (the latter isn’t an exag­ger­a­tion) coupled with the ter­rible “con­sumer exper­i­ence” I just men­tioned auto­mat­ic­ally make me resent the entire night. This is coming from someone who’s routinely paid £2.50 for a bottle of water without com­plain­ing because it didn’t take him fucking for-ever to get served.

Everyone MUST get as drunk as possible

Appar­ently, if your liver doesn’t explode from acute alcohol pois­on­ing or you can’t ignite your breath, then it’s not a good night out. For a minor­ity of drink­ers, that applies to every Sat­urday night, but that school of thought becomes all the more inclus­ive in the context of New Year’s Eve. As we all already know, this leads to more viol­ence & aggres­sion, dan­ger­ous driving and both the average size and fre­quency of sick splat­ters that adorn the pave­ments. Oh, and the toilets… my god, the toilets. Anyway, moving on…

Pressure to have the BEST time

“The turning of the stars bring a time when my secrets can give you immor­tal­ity. But when that time has passed, those fleet­ing minutes gone, the secret is worth­less, until once again the stars unlock its power.”

- Kal­likrates / DJ Fresh

During a single orbit of Neptune around our own star, we get to cel­eb­rate NYE less than 165 times. As such, it’s imper­at­ive that the night be TOTALLY AWESOME!!!1eleven!! because its ages ’til the next one. A tall order for any other night, but when you’re already having to com­pensate for the increased dick­head pop­u­la­tion, time-to-service at the bar and the king’s ransom you’re expec­ted to fork over per drink, it’s no wonder every­one has such a short fuse. This might mani­fest itself as viol­ence, streams of tears & mascara or any­thing in between.

No pressure on the venue

Venues can get away with murder on NYE. They just have to book some alright DJs before they inev­it­ably sell out. Why book the best of the best when you’ll get lit­er­ally zero more people attend­ing? That extra cash saved can be put towards booking someone big to draw a bigger crowd on any other night.

It's cold

Jesus Christ, is it cold. I have a beard and tend to wear jeans on a night out and think it’s cold. A typical girl out on Birmingham’s Broad Street, however, somehow con­tin­ues to survive wearing much, much less — I’d be cold on a breezy summer’s after­noon wearing the kind of thing they obvi­ously find accept­able. The smoking ban also means that your venue of choice will prob­ably have some doors per­man­ently ajar, as though the doorway itself were designed as the most effi­cient way to trans­fer thermal energy out of the build­ing.

…so that’s why we stayed in..

6 Responses to Our Thoughts on New Year's Eve

  1. James says:

    No need to stay in alone, NYE is an excel­lent night to have a few friends round, see in the new year in comfort and still have fun.

  2. Tim says:

    God i have had some awful NYE exper­i­ences when i used to go raving. We hyped the night up and you end up spend­ing loads and loads !!
    I once spent £70 on the taxi alone and nearly died as the taxi driver thought he was Nigel Mansell.
    staying in is the new going out appar­ently.
    Happy new year to you and your Wife
    Tim

  3. JSOTS says:

    MY New Year’s eve was spent in a cold maximum secur­ity dorm room with 17 felons incar­cer­ated for sexual assault crimes from 10PM-6AM. And hmmm… so was my Thanks­giv­ing and Christ­mas evening/​morning! That’s because I’m of the shitty pattern I’m on. It was a dandy evening, all of them… with dif­fer­ent co-workers and either the A or B side of juven­ile offend­ers who were NOT gen­er­ally happy to be locked up on any of those days. Some drama, as expec­ted, but nothing too out of hand.

    Nor were the staff happy, in general, but ohhh, well. The Hol­i­days come and go and I’d most rather see them past and done with. Working grave­yards puts one in a warpyzone sched­ule that doen’t have much in com­par­ison with a Real Life, ha ha.

    More posts to follow — I’ve been having WAY too much for fun and prophet lately and got beguil­ing stories to share — and HEY!! Glad to be Back In The Saddle, pardner.

    Got a stencil made up for a NEW TATTOO to be put atop the SYN​CHRONIUM​.NET tattoo I put on my leg. Irene drew it and I think it’s ahhhh… I’ll keep y’all posted (hint: It’s Too Funny) and get pics up hope­fully within the next 3 days I’ve got away from The SlavePit, start­ing as of today.

    And Twitter ON, folks!!!! Gotta love what you do. I’m ready to follow… yeeehaw.

  4. JSOTS says:

    Got the new picture of the offi­cial (well, in my mind — and flesh, anyway) mascot of the Syn​cronium​.net site posted on the Guest/​LogBook of my http://​just​say​once​.com site… and left a link for this site, too.

    For those who may not remem­ber, I tat­tooed “SYN​CHRONIUM​.NET” on my leg ‘cuz I LIKE THIS SITE and the people here. The tattoo my wife and I did right above it last night isn’t fin­ished, YET — I plan to add a rainbow around the head to link the two tattoos together.

    Gotta see it to believe it. World’s ugliest tattoo? YOU DECIDE.

  5. Rowan Jones says:

    I just stayed in with a few mates and had a smoke. Much more enjoy­able than going out and drink­ing.

  6. JSOTS says:

    Cold is NOT fun in Texas, espe­cially when we con­sider the mid-90F’s a “nice day” out here. So we going ahhhh… a wee bit DAFT? Or is it just Cabin Fever??

    I just posted a pic of the new tattoo done atop the SYN­CHRONIUM tattoo done some time ago on my @tattoofolk twitter account ~~ y’all take a look at it, eh? It’s some­thing that Dear Wife Irene drew up. It’s pretty weird. I like it.

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