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Shock Horror! Clubs Protect Own Interests!

By John Clarke

This week, clubs in Edinburgh have banned legal highs, just in case someone dies! If they catch you getting high legally inside, you could get barred for up to 3 months. That’s the gist of the story, as reported by The Sun and a few smaller news sites. Allow me to read between the lines…

BouncerNothing makes you want to drink more than already being pissed. “Yeah, sure *burp*, I’ll have one more. Actually *hic*, better make it four…” (Of course, by “you”, I actually mean the majority of the drinking population who don’t drink responsibly. If you eat beforehand, alternate between alcohol & soft drinks and stick to a predefined limit each night, then well done you, but read on anyway.) Unfortunately, legal highs don’t have that effect. Users tend to have a much better time without drinking. Either that, or the drink does nothing but give you a hangover, in the case of many legal stimulants.  This would seem to be the real reason behind this latest move against legal highs. Which, I suppose, is fine in principal (you wouldn’t expect to bring your £6 bottle of Tesco Value vodka into a club, would you?), but at least have the balls to admit it. Not coming clean makes them look far worse, because as we all know, alcohol is far more likely to kill you than most other drugs. Actually, I bet more people have died from seizures in clubs because of the loud music and lights than have died from legal highs.

Another reason in the same vein is that some clubs want to protect their illegal drugs trade too. It sounds a bit conspiracy theorist, I know, but some clubs definitely do have their own supply of illegal drugs. You’d think a bunch of geezers covered with bling that hang out by the fucking bar would get kicked out at the first sign of dealing, but every time I’ve been to this particular club, the same guys have been there, looking as shifty as they are reflective. In another club we go to quite a bit, I’ve actually seen first hand a drug dealer go up and ask a bouncer if he’s got any more pills, who then went to ask the guy behind the bar.

EcstasyAnd now for a final twist in the story… These days, “pills” rarely contain any illegal drugs at all! That’s right. Thanks to the increasing popularity and availability of piperazines (such as the infamous BZP), acquiring a pill that contains any actual MDMA is nearly impossible. A popular favourite among dealers at the moment is a compound called mCPP (m-ChloroPhenylPiperazine), whose side effects include massive headaches and nausea. It’s about 5 times cheaper for a chemist to make mCPP than MDMA, as none of the precursors are restricted, so now about 50% of all the pills across Europe contain it. It seems this chemical alone is responsible for the tidal wave of sick that now flows from the toilets of decent clubs across the country.

Like I said, this move is acceptable in principle, but I wish they wouldn’t act like they’re doing everyone a favour. Next, they’ll take away our legal right to tap water in order to prevent that dreaded hyper-hydration.

Fortunately though, there’s always evangelical Christianity to turn to, as seen in this week’s episode of Christian Drum ‘n’ Bass:


6 Responses to Shock Horror! Clubs Protect Own Interests!

  1. Mark says:

    ROFL that vid is hilarious. Good find mate.

  2. Synchronium says:


    If you’ve not seen the other one of these I posted a while ago, have a look:

  3. Mark says:

    I think i’ve seen all the ones on youtube now. After I watched this one, I spent most of last night watchin em on youtube. They just keep gettin better everytime i see em or maybe its just cos i love DNB.

    Also in relation to your post (well sorta), the dealers where i live chucked a brick through the front window of the local headshop. In the middle of day too but do ya think the cops did anythin? Did they fuck. They never do a damn thing even when they’ve been shown CCTV footage of guys stealing shit from the shop.

  4. sharon says:

    JC what an MC. His ravings caused my computer become paralysed. I had to call in the reverend to perform healing ministrations on it (lie-I turned it off at the wall and turned it back on really).

    I don’t think you sound conspiracy theorist. I think the shady guys want clubbers to buy only their drugs.

    I once heard a tale about the water being disconnected in a club to force people top buy the extortionally priced bottles of water from behind the bar. They were said to be sick of people having a great time in their club and not buying their stuff.

    I’ve got two pills in my medicine cupboard which someone gave me but I’m not going to eat them because I haven’t a clue what they’re made from. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re this mcPP stuff you mention. I bet they’re not MDMA anyway.

    btw, you know how I despise that crap Talk to Frank website, well it’s made me angry again. I emailed them and asked them to post the information about the bad batch of 2C-B-FLY which came from Haupt-RC and they have not replied, but more importantly they haven’t posted it on the site. What sort of a drugs education site is it? I’m going to have to do a blog about Frank’s crap

  5. happyhigh says:

    I do understand everything your saying here, and they are all valid points, but I think the hardest thing about bringing your own legal highs to a club would be persuading the bouncer that it is in fact Charge and not Coke.

    I just looked at the talk to Frank site on the legal highs page and it is a ridiculous bit of propaganda, trying to scare people from using legal highs by saying that ‘The Crazy Chemist’ makes them to give you seizures.

    And it lists Salvia as herbal ecstasy, when will this ever end?

  6. LJ says:

    It’s odd how little this was publicised in Edinburgh. One club I used to frequent was raided every Saturday by the police, but remained open as there was never anything illegal found.

    Another place (The Hive, to any Edinburgh people — the previous one being Siglo) is still very lax on legal highs. It may be a move by Unite, a crazy-ass citywide nightclub cabal. If so, this is the least of their stupid decisions.

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